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he wrote his suicide note on an etch-a-sketch board.
elmo-red frame, golden paint drawing out the classy cursive logo, white bottle-cap knobs, and a fake digital screen.
a child's dream.

it took him six hours to revisit his childhood for the last time.
[it didn't take that long because he didn't know what to say, but because he wanted to finally do something right.]

he carefully turned each knob, forming darkened pixels into letters, letters into words, and words into spider-silk-thin sentences that would rip and fade, just as spider webs did.

his words faded a bit when you accidentally knocked it off his dresser so you could take it to the funeral.

faded a bit when you went over that speed bump on the road and the little board bounced around a bit in the car.

faded a bit when you walked over to his open casket and dropped it next to his mortician-treated body.

faded a bit when the mini-crane dropped the casket into the grave just a moment too early, and so the death-box shook like a fat bird landing on a small tree branch.

and by then
his words would be gone.
faded.
like his presence in the counselor's office after school days when all the counselor could do was give him lollipops.
like his number of calls to the i-can't-do-this-anymore hotline, because their message was always the same.
like himself.
been working on this piece for a ridiculously long time, but it still doesn't feel complete. feedback, anyone? i'd love to hear some.

written revolution critique --> [link]

critique questions:
does the piece feel incomplete to the reader? if so, where does it feel like the piece is most lacking?
also, is the use of 'you' too distracting?

featured here by DLD [link]

update: i was absolutely floored to discover that this piece was featured as a DD! i cannot express how thankful i am for all the support, especially from =SilverInkblot and ^thorns for the feature<3
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Daily Deviation

Given 2012-06-10
etch-a-sketch by ~Willowshine ( Suggested by SilverInkblot and Featured by thorns )
:iconcottonpatch:
cottonpatch Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2013
I really enjoyed the piece :) sad yet permanent ending, kinda makes you begin to wonder why it happened, which is good cause it draws the reader in and makes them think.  I can kinda see why you might think it is incomplete, maybe its the feeling that the reader needs to know more?  Maybe elaborate on either how he is feeling or what happened to even bring him to this point, and if there had been a way to save him, it might add to the finality of the situation at the end.  Hope this helps, and great job!!
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by =DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here: dailylitdeviations.deviantart.… Congratulations on your DD!

Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by ing the News Article. Keep writing and keep creating.
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:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
 
Thank you so much for the feature! I'm absolutely honored, and of course I'll check out the other artists! It's always lovely to read more works (:
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hi there! Just a note to let you know I've featured this piece in my 2012 showcase of 100 pieces of literature: [link] :D
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:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ah thanks so much! i'm honored :]
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Of course :)
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:iconlulurockz:
lulurockz Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
I adore this piece i love it how the message fades gradually and how that reflects him becoming more distant. Well done its a wonderful piece.
Reply
:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much!! i'm glad that you could appreciate the piece
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:iconlittlecloudflower:
littlecloudflower Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2012  Student Writer
This is beautifully sad...The innocence of the metaphor is amazing and contrasting to the subject. And I think we've all experienced how hard etch-a-sketch is to write with, and that sense of difficulty and diligence in writing that last note really contrasts to its ephemeral nature.

Personally, it really hits close to home...I have a friend who's contemplating suicide, and from talking to him, this is exactly what his tone of voice feels like. Faded.

(Not to mention how I tried both counselor's office at school and the suicide hotlines option, but they kept on referring me to other places...Very frustrating. Well, the counselor helped a little, but not enough. It's sad that no one takes it seriously.)
Reply
:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer

thank you so much! i'm glad you could appreciate the idea of the etch-a-sketch board so completely--it really means a lot to me.

i hope that your friend's mindset takes a turn for the better soon! i can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose someone that way :/

(i definitely agree with you! it's so difficult to get genuine support, it seems.)
Reply
:iconlittlecloudflower:
littlecloudflower Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome! I really enjoyed your piece! :)

Yeah, me neither. I'm really hoping it will get better soon...
Reply
:iconkalistik-cheryzia:
Kalistik-Cheryzia Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I know this is kind of old, and I LOVE the piece! I was rereading it today and I actually noticed one thing that kind of threw me off.

faded a bit when you went over that speed bump on the road and the little board bounced around a bit in the car.

The use of "a bit" twice in the this line makes me kind of look at it twice. Like, you could have left out "a bit" entirely or made it "a little" instead. I don't know if this was done purposefully, but it might just be a personal pet peeve of mine.

But I didn't even notice that the first or second times through. :3 This is an amazing piece, I absolutely love the imagery, lack of capitalization, and the theme. I've often thought about this myself.
Reply
:iconlulurockz:
lulurockz Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
I totally agree i love this piece but i disagree with the use of "a bit" being repetitive i personaly find it emphasises how fragile the message/the person had become i find it shows that such a small movement could so easily damage it. But other than that i totaly agree it is a great piece :)
Reply
:iconkalistik-cheryzia:
Kalistik-Cheryzia Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well, no, I mean, the repeating sentence structure with it is good- I just meant that having it twice in the same sentence seemed weird to me.
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:iconlulurockz:
lulurockz Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012
I didnt mean to offened you. I didnt mean it in an offensive way at all, i just was stating my opinion.
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:iconkalistik-cheryzia:
Kalistik-Cheryzia Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You didn't offend me! :3 I was just clarifying what I meant in case I was unclear XD
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:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ah thank you! your point is definitely valid--it does sound repetitive in an awkward way at that point. again, thank you so much for your feedback! i truly appreciate it <3
Reply
:iconazaleapeaock:
azaleapeaock Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012   Writer
I really like the idea behind this, it's super awesome. The only critique I have, is the lack of capitlization. Other than that, great job :D
Reply
:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ah thank you for your feedback! the capitalization was purposeful, but i'm glad to know your thoughts on it. again, thank you! (:
Reply
:iconiqfreak:
IQFREAK Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Oh, and I forgot to add wow.
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:iconbethebelle13:
Bethebelle13 Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I love this piece, but I understand what you mean when you say it's incomplete. I feel the missing piece to this is parts of his suicide note, but that's just me.
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:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thanks for your feedback! several other people have mentioned the same idea about the contents of the note; i'll definitely keep your thought in mind! (:
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:iconbethebelle13:
Bethebelle13 Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
My pleasure, keep up the wonderful work!
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2012  Professional Writer
Congrats on the DD! This is gorgeous.
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:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! (:
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Professional Writer
Sure. :)
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:iconalphafemalewolf:
AlphaFemaleWolf Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Holy fuck.... That is really all I can say to express my feelings. This is just enveloped in different feelings. Despair, pain, anguish, anger, rejection, and loneliness. Really great job. I enjoyed this a lot.
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:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
awh thank you so much! it's good to know that you felt this piece was emotionally powerful <3
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:iconsierraness23:
Sierraness23 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh wow, this is beautiful. Painful for anyone who's lost someone to suicide, but profoundly touching as well, as opposed to some of the raw and painful pieces you see on the same subject.
Missing him more than ever thanks to this, but thank you. You've given your readers a gift. :heart:
Reply
:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
awh thank you so much! i'm so very sorry for your loss though--i can't even get close to fathoming how it would feel to lose something by suicide. best wishes for your future! <3
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:iconfaerielover007:
FaerieLover007 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2012
It may not feel complete to you but to everyone else, it's amazing and perfect. Be happy with what you've done :)
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:iconbriesster7:
Briesster7 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
deep
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:icongreenbear13:
GreenBear13 Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I really love this.
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:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
glad that you enjoyed it! (:
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:icongreenbear13:
GreenBear13 Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
^^
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:icongadgetpyxi:
gadgetpyxi Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012
deep.man.real deep
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:iconjesserfly:
Jesserfly Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
aww, thats so beautiful yet sad T_T
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:iconvenusflesh:
venusflesh Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
This gave me the chills.
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:iconlegendaryjd:
LegendaryJD Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I connected to this piece right from the opening sentence. Great attention to detail and word selection. Nice job.
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:iconredbookbluebook:
Redbookbluebook Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012
Oh my god. This was clever, well executed and heart wrenching all at once. I loved the imagery you invoked. You have done an amazing job, and I am in awe.
Reply
:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
awh thank you so much! glad to liked the piece (:
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:iconromack23:
Romack23 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I like this piece, but what did the note say?
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:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ah i never actually composed the actual suicide note's words--however, i should have given the contents more thought. glad you liked the piece though!
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:iconromack23:
Romack23 Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
^_^
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:iconkasstle101:
Kasstle101 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012
Wow, even though this is about suicide, this is incredibly inspiring (says the pathetic wanna be writer). I adore the point of view that was taken, and I felt that the 'You' was well used, it really points a finger at the reader and without writing it you're asking them 'Why didn't You do anything when you had the chance?' Pretty powerful stuff in my opinion.

I do feel like its incomplete. But I can't quite put my finger on it. Personally I want to know what was on the etch-a-sketch, though not knowing adds to the feeling of the piece itself. The incompleteness feel may be a good thing if you look at it as a message to the readers that they need to take this to heart, and reach out to those who are hurting.

I hope you're a hug person, 'cuz you deserve like a twenty from me :hug:
Reply
:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much for your feedback! that's definitely a valid point (regarding the incomplete feeling of the piece) that i'll keep in mind. and i'm definitely a hug person (: thank you again! :hug:
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:iconfangirlfreak:
FangirlFreak Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012   Writer
This is a really beautiful, unconventional piece. I love how poignant a child's toy becomes when you parallel it with someone's life. Very creative.

And I actually really enjoyed the use of the word "you". It drew me in as a reader, really created another empathy link to the piece. After reading about dropping the etch-a-sketch from the dresser, I felt a little surprised, anxious even, as though I'd been the one to drop it. : )

As a whole, I appreciate how concise and brief the piece is. It gives the impression of being short-lived, much like the life lost in the piece. But of course, that's just my (amateur) opinion : ) Beautiful job, keep up the amazing work!
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:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much for your kind thoughts! i'm glad to know that you enjoyed the piece <3
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:iconsnappedwires:
SnappedWires Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012
This is the first thing I've seen in deviantart's "emotional poetry" cateogry that isn't an emo teenage girl typing out poorly-written angst over her latest break-up. Very well done!
Reply
:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
awh thank you! there are many other talented writers who also put their writing in the emotional category, although i admit that it may take some time to sift through those angsty break-up ones to find them. glad you enjoyed the piece though! (:
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