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Daily Deviations by thorns

writing by chasingsunbeams77

Literature by ThePurpleRosex


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Submitted on
January 27, 2012
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he wrote his suicide note on an etch-a-sketch board.
elmo-red frame, golden paint drawing out the classy cursive logo, white bottle-cap knobs, and a fake digital screen.
a child's dream.

it took him six hours to revisit his childhood for the last time.
[it didn't take that long because he didn't know what to say, but because he wanted to finally do something right.]

he carefully turned each knob, forming darkened pixels into letters, letters into words, and words into spider-silk-thin sentences that would rip and fade, just as spider webs did.

his words faded a bit when you accidentally knocked it off his dresser so you could take it to the funeral.

faded a bit when you went over that speed bump on the road and the little board bounced around a bit in the car.

faded a bit when you walked over to his open casket and dropped it next to his mortician-treated body.

faded a bit when the mini-crane dropped the casket into the grave just a moment too early, and so the death-box shook like a fat bird landing on a small tree branch.

and by then
his words would be gone.
faded.
like his presence in the counselor's office after school days when all the counselor could do was give him lollipops.
like his number of calls to the i-can't-do-this-anymore hotline, because their message was always the same.
like himself.
been working on this piece for a ridiculously long time, but it still doesn't feel complete. feedback, anyone? i'd love to hear some.

written revolution critique --> [link]

critique questions:
does the piece feel incomplete to the reader? if so, where does it feel like the piece is most lacking?
also, is the use of 'you' too distracting?

featured here by DLD [link]

update: i was absolutely floored to discover that this piece was featured as a DD! i cannot express how thankful i am for all the support, especially from =SilverInkblot and ^thorns for the feature<3
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Daily Deviation

Given 2012-06-10
etch-a-sketch by ~Willowshine ( Suggested by SilverInkblot and Featured by thorns )
:iconcottonpatch:
cottonpatch Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2013
I really enjoyed the piece :) sad yet permanent ending, kinda makes you begin to wonder why it happened, which is good cause it draws the reader in and makes them think.  I can kinda see why you might think it is incomplete, maybe its the feeling that the reader needs to know more?  Maybe elaborate on either how he is feeling or what happened to even bring him to this point, and if there had been a way to save him, it might add to the finality of the situation at the end.  Hope this helps, and great job!!
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by =DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here: dailylitdeviations.deviantart.… Congratulations on your DD!

Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by ing the News Article. Keep writing and keep creating.
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:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
 
Thank you so much for the feature! I'm absolutely honored, and of course I'll check out the other artists! It's always lovely to read more works (:
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hi there! Just a note to let you know I've featured this piece in my 2012 showcase of 100 pieces of literature: [link] :D
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:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ah thanks so much! i'm honored :]
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Of course :)
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:iconlulurockz:
lulurockz Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
I adore this piece i love it how the message fades gradually and how that reflects him becoming more distant. Well done its a wonderful piece.
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:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much!! i'm glad that you could appreciate the piece
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:iconlittlecloudflower:
littlecloudflower Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2012  Student Writer
This is beautifully sad...The innocence of the metaphor is amazing and contrasting to the subject. And I think we've all experienced how hard etch-a-sketch is to write with, and that sense of difficulty and diligence in writing that last note really contrasts to its ephemeral nature.

Personally, it really hits close to home...I have a friend who's contemplating suicide, and from talking to him, this is exactly what his tone of voice feels like. Faded.

(Not to mention how I tried both counselor's office at school and the suicide hotlines option, but they kept on referring me to other places...Very frustrating. Well, the counselor helped a little, but not enough. It's sad that no one takes it seriously.)
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:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer

thank you so much! i'm glad you could appreciate the idea of the etch-a-sketch board so completely--it really means a lot to me.

i hope that your friend's mindset takes a turn for the better soon! i can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose someone that way :/

(i definitely agree with you! it's so difficult to get genuine support, it seems.)
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